I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
