before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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