i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
