The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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