he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
only you would photoshop your dick
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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