drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
