I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
