Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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