Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
