The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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