I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
