i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
