He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
