i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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