I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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