My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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