my sisters under your porch take her home
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
