So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
