I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
