if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
And then he peed in my hair
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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