i need an iv and a liver transplant
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
