you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
That accounts for only three of the penises
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
