I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
