Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
