I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We talked him into tasing himself.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
