forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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