You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
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