Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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