So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
