I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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