i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize