i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
