just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
