We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
