Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
