just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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