I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize