2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
