When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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