i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
