Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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