Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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