she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
