if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
3 2 1 whiskey
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
