it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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