is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
