Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize