That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
