if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
