Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
