The maid of honor just puked.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Randomize
