I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize