We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
