i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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