I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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