I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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