You smell like stripper and shame
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
