Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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