Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
