I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
